Come on spring

Jamestown 1966
I did not take this picture
(PS 2/18/11 I have been informed that this is NOT Jamestown, NY but Jamestown, ND)

I grew up in Jamestown, NY (south of Buffalo) and learned to drive in snow, sleet, ice, slush and all of that nasty stuff that falls out of the sky and lays on the ground for what seems like 9 months out of the year.  I am not making this up when I say I remember trick-or-treating in the snow and crying because my mother made me wear my winter coat over my costume. Somewhere around here I have a photo of my sisters making a snow Easter bunny on our lawn on Chautauqua Avenue in April. We walked to school in winter in those bad old days when girls weren't allowed to wear pants to school, so we wore snow pants under our skirts and had to take them off in the "cloakroom". When I got home from school I went back out to play in the snow (with snow pants on) and as I recall, that part of winter was pretty fun. Snowmen, snowball fights, sledding, tunneling and building snow forts...those days are gone.  I don't much like snow anymore. I don't like driving in it or shoveling it. Last Wednesday I had my worst winter driving experience EVER and that includes my days in NY, although maybe I'm just not remembering those days very well any more.

I left work Wednesday at 3:15 and it was snowing like mad with 2-3 inches already on the ground. By the time I got the snow pushed off the car so the windows were clear I was already freezing and my feet were wet. I started home with the heater blasting and windshield wipers pumping.  The heat lasted but the wipers did not.  I was almost home when the blade on the drivers side (of course) veered off to the left and stuck out from the side of the car like it was trying to signal a left turn.  I was blind in seconds. The windshield immediately turned solid white so I was forced to put the window down and stick my head out  to see the road, then my glasses blurred up and I started to worry.  I was not in a good place to pull off the road even if I could have seen the road, and cars were behind me. Disaster. I actually wasn't negotiating the road very well even with my head out the window so I had to take my seat belt off so I could lean out further. Sense of impending doom. Finally I was able to pull off to the side and park so I could get out and bend the wiper blade back into position, but when I tried to get going again I was stuck.  My tires just spun. Reverse, forward, reverse, forward, until I got enough traction to get moving again. Repeat that experience THREE more times before I made it to my driveway. The guard at the Massanutten entrance shouted at me "That's dangerous!"  when I drove by with the wiper blade jutting out and my soggy head out the window. Such a helpful observation.
On Thursday I managed to leave work early and got my car to the shop where the Saturn service guy - a dying breed - informed me that only 1 of his 5 guys had shown up, but if I could wait he would look at it.  Three hours and $360.00 later I was on my way.  I can think of a zillion ways I'd rather spend that money, but I know I'd spend even more to never have that experience again. I want spring.

I also did not take this picture, although I wish I was there right now

PS - I did a web search regarding my wiper problem and apparently this is a common complaint for Saturn owners - a design flaw! Too many plastic parts.

PPS - My weekend plan is a visit to the Museum of Natural History

Hiking in winter

I thought we would be the only crazy people hiking to a frozen waterfall in January, but as it turns out, we crossed paths with a dozen other hikers on the trail to South River Falls. The bare trees and patches of ice and snow have a beauty that I don't think I've appreciated much in my life, since I generally prefer a snuggy and a cozy fire on days below 50 degrees.

 

I was pretty cold when we started out even though I had on long johns, jeans, sweater, jacket, scarf, two pairs of socks, hiking boots, two pairs of gloves, a baseball cap and a head and neck warmer I got for Christmas.  The hike was mostly downhill to the falls, and I was warming up about halfway down.  Coming back up I was getting HOT! Imagine me....hot.  I had to start shedding layers and stuffing the extra clothes in my backpack.  Yup - I carried a backpack.  None of the other hikers we encountered were carrying anything, but since I've started hiking with a former Army ranger I am now prepared to survive a nuclear holocaust, should that happen while I'm out in the woods. I know being prepared is wise, but still, I feel foolish wearing a pack with so much gear on a 3 hour tour (hear the music?)

Here's what I have in my back pack:
extra pants (rainproof)
first aid kit
water bottle and granola bars
lighter and flashlight
whistle
cell phone
camera
chapstick, hairbrush, tissues

The most useful items so far?  Water, chapstick, camera. I have no idea why I carry a hairbush.

The Skyline Drive was having a FEE FREE day yesterday.  Next time I will buy a season pass, a bargain at $30.00, since a day admission is $10.00.  There is a lot more exploring to do.

PS  I thought I would get a start on my next ridiculous project yesterday.  Every time I hike I see rocks that look like the shape of states, like Utah and Idaho, so I'm going to start collecting them to build a map of rocks.  Yesterday I saw nothing suitable but a squarish rock that could be Colorado, and even that's a stretch.  I expect the entire project will require an impressive stretch of the imagination.

Not going postal

A lot of stressful events have happened in the last month.  Both parents have passed away, we had a memorial service for Dad, Ben has gone to the ER three times, Christmas, birthday, NYE...some bad events, some good, but all stressful in different ways.  My co-workers (most of them), have been kind and supportive and have pitched in to cover my time off without being too outwardly resentful. I have covered for them in the past and no doubt will do so in the future so I suppose things even out over time. Many of the comments I've received from people at work have followed the line of "how are you holding it together?  I'd be a basket case! You should take more time off!"  It's true that I haven't been bawling my head off at work, I haven't snapped at anyone (even though the opportunity to do so presents itself everyday), and I am feeling stressed, but I'm making an effort to keep my emotions in check.  I'm wondering if keeping ourselves "in check" is a bad thing. I see it at work all the time with patients who present with chest pain that is not cardiac, belly pain that has no clinical cause, and yet the symptoms are very real.

Tension and anxiety can definitely cause physical pain and illness but it's not always easy to unload it in a healthy, appropriate way. It's not like I can work a meltdown into my schedule, and I'm not the type who suffers in silence, then suddenly goes ape-crazy and burns something down.

Last night I had dinner with a friend, drank 3 glasses of wine, then came home, (note-I did not drive!) and cried for half an hour.  Maybe the wine is what it took to let go, but I feel better.  It did occur to me that breaking something or throwing rocks might be satisfying, but I don't want to clean up the mess afterward.

I'm going to try to get out today and hike a section of the AT up on the Skyline Drive. I also have another weird project idea lurking in the back of my mind...more on that later if it looks like it will work. That's my way of getting through rough times...create something odd.


PS - Massage scheduled for Monday...Thank you Erin and Mike!

Shirley Mae Gronquist Bostrom 4/25/1926-1/10/2011

Mom and Dad

My sisters and I knew my mother would pass away shortly after my father left this world. We all suspected that would be the scenario, and had speculated about it for the last few years of their lives, whenever the topic of "end of life planning" had come up.  When one goes the other will shortly follow. They had both been ill for many years, and we had watched them become more and more debilitated with Parkinson's Disease as time went on. It is inexplicable and tragic that they would both end up with the same illness.  They shared nearly everything, but why this?  When I first noticed my mother's hand tremors and suggested to her that it might be Parkinson's, she insisted that it couldn't be. "Your father has Parkinson's...that just wouldn't be fair". But that's what it was, and she was right.  It wasn't fair.
My parents met in high school, back in 1944.  Back then my Dad called Mom  "Shirt", his pet name for her instead of Shirley.  She called him Bud.  I don't think I ever heard her refer to him as Burdette. They were together for 67 years so it's no wonder that they died only a month apart, Dad on Dec. 9th and Mom today, Jan.10th, 2011.

I feel an exhausting mix of emotions: grief, relief, regret, and even an almost joy that they managed to nearly coincide their ETAs.  They very nearly arrived at the end of this life together - quite a feat for something none of us can control.  Or can we?  We've all heard the story before of the inseparable couples who die within months, weeks, or even days of each other.  Mom clearly could not go on without Dad.  She took her leave from reality on the day he died, insisting that he had gone down in a helicopter crash, and that she too had died the same day.  She thanked us for coming to her funeral and told us that she was so grateful that God had given her extra time to visit with us when she was already dead. Granted, she had been suffering from confusion that came and went for the last few years. At Dad's memorial service she looked straight at me and said she didn't know me.  I think my grieving for her really started then.  Over the next days she grew weaker and quieter and I think that she had already gone to some other place to be with Dad, and had to wait for her body to catch up with the process. I don't know if she knew that Ben and I were with her last evening.  We told her we were there.  We told her we loved her and that it was OK for her to close her eyes and rest. 
They both left this life in their sleep as we all hope to do. They both left knowing they were loved. They lived good lives and I am  proud of them both.

Mom and Dad 1944

TGIF!, but GDIOC (gosh darn I'm on call)

It's pretty amazing that I'm home before 4 o'clock on a Friday afternoon and I'm on call.  I already know I have to go in tomorrow to see at least one patient, but today things were slow and relaxed for a change so I don't even mind. Work usually feels like an 8 hour hike on a treadmill, set at a challenging pace.
I've been aware for some time now that even after I get home from work I continue to multi-task with all the things I need to do, even if they are unimportant and low on the priority list.  I can't just sit and watch TV without also working on some other task and having my laptop on in front of me.  I can't go out to run an errand unless I make a detailed list first and rack my brain to come up with as many things to do as possible in one trip. I blame my job for my inability to just relax and waste time without remorse.  I need to practice being a stop and smell the roses kind of person but don't think I could do that without also pruning and weeding just a little bit.

I believe I got this way because my typical day is divided into minutes and documented by me.
6:33 clock in
6:45 morning report
7:00 prepare the procedure room
7:20 patient in the room
7:22 first set of vital signs
7:30 doctor in the room
7:33 administer drugs
7:35 document vital signs
7:36 start procedure
7:40 1 mg Versed, pt. uncomfortable
7:42 document vital signs
7:45 Pt asleep
....it continues this way, minute to minute right up until 3 or later. Do a task and immediately document the time and action into the computer. It becomes difficult to come home, throw my feet up and ignore the clock.  I notice the time passing by and can't stop myself from thinking, what have I accomplished in the last 10 minutes? Even now as I'm typing this I'm glancing around at all the Christmas stuff and feeling anxious about getting the boxes out of the attic and putting it all away....right now! But honestly, does anyone care if my tree is up for another day...another week? This is all self-inflicted pressure and I've got to stop!
Right now - I'm going to stop typing, put on my coat and take my poor neglected Xena for a walk. I'll even sing the song for her to watch her dance around.

I know what dogs like, I know what dogs want....(apologies to the Waitresses)

PS Maybe I'll take my tree down tomorrow, maybe I won't.

The Mother of Invention

I had a lovely lunch today with Ben to celebrate his 25th birthday, which was actually yesterday. We went to Taste of Thai and enjoyed good food and conversation, although the topics ranged from weird to gross, (my fault, not his). Ben has become interested in crafting actual products that are useful and attractive, while I spend my time dreaming up strange, implausible and even disgusting ideas and potential products. For instance...a coworker is kicking her 30 year smoking habit and has become a raving fan of the NJOY brand of e-cigarettes, the electronic cigarette that she claims provide a satisfying "hand to mouth experience" along with taste and inhalation pleasure. I commend her for quitting a dangerous and expensive habit, although she now also wants to lose 50 lbs. That brings me to my zillion dollar invention. The e-cookie. All of the delicious hand to mouth cookie experience yet totally devoid of calories and saturated fat. If only. E-cheesecake and e-potato chips would surely follow and we could live in a smokeless AND unfat society. We already have e-pets, e-books, e-sex....this could happen.

The conversation then led to a heartburn discussion because Ben ordered a squid dish with #4 spice. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, (evidenced by a clean plate), but claimed he would pay for it with chest pain later. Let's see - heartburn, reflux, pH of stomach contents, acidity of vomit, could vomit burn you? Chemical peels. I'm not about to test that idea at all. I can't believe it crossed my mind. What is wrong with me? I'll blame it on a boring job and cold weather.

PS Despite the cold, I did go hiking last Sunday...See?

I think I look like a pirate with an eye patch

Angel/Devil Immobility

It's not even noon on New Year's Day and I've already been confronted...no - inundated! with the whole new year, new resolutions dilemma. I feel like  I'm in the classic cartoon with an angel on one shoulder making kindly, well-meaning suggestions like "eat more cruciferous vegetables, work out three times a week, serve on a committee at work", and the devil on the other. "Take more naps, eat more chocolate, call in sick!" I think the devil often wins, and yet the internal debate eats up a lot of time and ultimately leads to immobility - no real decisions at all. This leads me to consider the healthiest resolution of all - be happy with what I am doing as I am doing it and stop feeling guilty about it whatever it is.  Unless it's something really awful. ( I'm not inclined to be a true evil-doer though so I think we're safe. )

For instance - I am sitting here in my jammies typing this and Angel is whining, "Get dressed for crying out loud! Put the dirty dishes away, take the dog for a walk, get off your lazy ass!" Devil is smooth and seductive, "Blogging is a highly productive use of your precious time, Precious! Every word you type is meaningful and will inspire future generations to the pinnacle of Maslow's pyramid thingy!"
I know what your thinking....Devil needs some serious psychological rehab, but Devil keeps me from leading the life of a total drudge. So here are my resolutions...so far...may be subject to change:

1. Find a reason to be happy about whatever I'm doing - adopt the classic "glass half full" attitude.
2. Create a "bucket" list but don't obsess about completing it and recognize that it's OK to revise it as I go.
3. Make more time for friends. Put myself out there - have a party or 2.
4. Be happy - I already said that, but it's important enough to list twice.

OK - I think now I really will go get dressed, but only because it will make me happy.

 

PS Tomorrow is Sunday...I'm going hiking.